Revelation

Sometimes I am so busy and so consumed with all of my "problems" I don't realize that God is continuously blessing me and has never stopped. From miraculous monetary surprises to a productive day at home, The Lord has shown me that He has never left even when I have been ignoring him. Different things in my life have been burdening me, so much so that I have felt desperate. As much as I know God hears my cries, there are times I feel ridiculous crying out to Him in my desperation. I feel like 'why am I coming to you now... I should have done this a long time ago. It's like this is all I do. I get to rock bottom and then ask for your help.' I feel like I will keep repeating the same cycle if I don't attempt a deeper relationship with Jesus on a more regular basis. I will keep hitting the bottom and fast... I'm going to attempt an analogy:
It's like I'm at the bottom of a ditch, I can jump up and feel like I am almost out for a moment but I'm just going to fall right back down. If I take to time to build a ladder it may take more energy but it will aide me climb and I will eventually be out of the pit....
I'm bad at those. But you get it.

Yesterday at church Pastor preached on the flow of blessings. I couldn't repeat it to you word for word but he brought up the ever popular verse- Matthew 6:33 But seek first the Kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you. And then preceded to speak about how we do not give to get back. And I thought... how often to I "seek the kingdom of God" just so that he'll "add to me." I say, here Lord, I have this thing so I'm going to read some verses and pray everyday so that you'll "add" the solution to this problem "unto me." so what am I doing here, I'm giving God time to get what I want. I'm not seeking His kingdom or His righteousness, I'm seeking my own gain. Granted I'm not saying it's wrong to cast your burdens on God, He is more fit to carry them after all, but I found my self just going to God, like "ugh, I'm done, just fix it" but not really doing much to connect with Him. Saturday Rachel went to the gym and I arranged for my husband to go to a friends house. I stood in the middle of my living room and just talked to Jesus, the way I talk to my husband. At one point I turned on some music and just laid on my back on in the middle of the office, the bass from the sub-woofer vibrating the floor and just soaked it up. I worshiped with my words, with music, I wrote random thoughts in my journal, some of praise some of concern. I just spent. time. with. God. It was awesome. And then I opened my eyes and saw all around me... blessings, everywhere. My nerves were calm, my head was clear, I could see God... there, and there, and here. I was like, huh, when did this all happen? Some of it did happen that very day like my spirit finally resting and having peace, and like being productive and not lazy, feeling healthy, laughing. Then I realized that we had been stressing about bills and, hmm, look, everything is working out this month, we can catch up. Awesome. Kyle's piano, where are we gonna put it? How am I gonna get the money to tune it?... oh ok the tuner will work with me on a price maybe give me payments, and look the piano fits right over there, in the middle of my living room where we have 20's group... maybe we can have worship nights. Nice.

I just had to stop asking, stop begging for a moment and just be with God, praising Him, hearing Him, talking to Him and He immediately opened my eyes and said "look, I'm here, you're good."